Playing Mom vs. Being Mom

Let's see.

My hair is up in two ponytails. 

One on top

One on the bottom.

That's what happens when you chop your hair and don't think of the repercussions.

I'm in my underwear...

BUT

I have a shirt on at least!

Cricket is sleeping.

Tim is mowing and edging the lawn.

I'm between laundry and just changed the sheets, cleaned one bathroom and picked up our bedroom.

I think that deserves a writing break, yeah?

Yeah.

So,

let's get down to business!

All growing up I loved babies. 

LOVED

I'd ask for baby dolls every Christmas

I always kept my eye out for the most unique and life-like ones.

The water baby was as good as it got!

I had to change it's diaper cause it wet itself.

I got to fill it up with warm water and hold it in my arms.

It was the best.

But,

what I really wanted was my cousin, Jessica's, Cabbage Patch Kid.

Now, this was no ordinary CPK...

 it was weighted!

Don't ask me why this was a game changer, 

it just was.

Then, my siblings started popping out babies.

The first run, we got two at the same time

Yes, twins!

I was in baby heaven.

After the twins came

8 more made their grand appearance and I was smitten with each one.

I was convinced,

babies were the best thing in the world.

I jumped on opportunities to 

feed them, 

change them, 

bathe them,

you name it!

Once it was time for me to have my own, I knew I had it in the bag.

13 years under my belt of being a very experienced aunt.

This was going to be a peace of cake!

HELLO, KELSIE!

NO

YOU ARE WRONG.

Ok, I'm exaggerating with all those caps.

But really, it's not the same.

Not one bit.

As we know, the beginning was rough.

"This is what it's actually like being a mom?"

Hard Pass

This was down right dirty business!

Just two weeks prior to having Cricket, I relished the opportunities to give my niece baths.

Now...

"Well, let's see here. You have dried up milk all over your arms and face and probably smell sour, but I can't tell cause I'm scent immune these days, so I guess I better throw you in the sink, child."

"Oh, you spit up, and now your outfit (that I could very easily change) is soaking wet? That's too bad, let me help you by sticking a tissue under the soon to be sour milk stain, and call it good."

I mean, there are plenty more thought scenarios that I could offer you, but we'll just leave those there and move on.

So

playing mom my whole life was amazing. 

It was easy.

It was fun.

Being a mom on the other hand

it's really hard sometimes.

it's dirty

it's stinky 

(and I'm not referring just to the baby on those last two)

but, man

it's rewarding.

When she wakes up from her nap smiling so big you think your heart might burst.

When you get her to sleep and she begins to cackle.

When she's laying on your chest and falls asleep.

When you're feeding her and she won't take her eyes off of you.

When she sneezes and you just can't take it cause it's the cutest and smallest sneeze you've ever heard.

When she tucks her hands up by her face.

When she's sleeping with her mouth open.

I can go on, but I'm sure all you mom's know just how long the list can go.

Being a mom has turned out to be nothing like I would have imagined it to be.

But 

it has been the best thing to ever happen to me.

I tell Tim all the time,

"do you feel like she's ours?"

I can't fathom sometimes that we have her.

that she's OURS.

That we get to keep her for eternity.

Looking back on my childhood, nothing could have prepared me for the reality of being a mom.

I look at my mom and sisters and am in awe that they were able to raise the children that they brought into this world.

Cause it's not easy.

But it's the absolute best thing in the world.

That is all.

I must now go retrieve my blessed child, since she has awoken from her slumber.

Perfect timing, baby!

I love you even more now. ;)

BOOBS *huh!* What are you good for?

Here I am again.

Only this time, I have at least a shirt on.... but still in my underwear.

It's been 5 days since I've washed my hair

so let's not talk about the smell or look of it.

I have bags under my eyes.

I'm considering if I want to eat a hamburger bun with a slice of Kraft Single's American cheese placed ever so white trashily in the middle,

for the third day in a row,

for breakfast.

Tim is in the shower.

Cricket is down for her morning nap.

Just kidding

I just walked in there

She's awake.

But I'm just going to pretend that I didn't see that.

If she ain't screaming, ya know?

Ok.

So let's get down to business

(did everyone else just finish that sentence with "to defeat the Huns" like I did?)

BOOBS.

All of us women got 'em.

and some men, too.

But ours are meant to feed babies,

their's aren't.

ANYWAY.

Let's start at the beginning.

When I was pregnant I was absolutely terrified that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed.

that being, because of a few dreams I had had.

I'll share one with you, cause it's the best one.

*imagine a light hazy, watery transition into dreamland now*

It's time for me to give birth

I am quickly taken to the hospital

In a matter of minutes, I have had my babies.

Yes

babies.

I popped out twins.

But not just any kind of twins.

Middle Eastern twin boys.

Very olive skinned, dark, dark haired boys with uni-brows that looked nothing like Tim or myself.

(wtf)

As soon as those boys popped out

I went back to work.

Like, no kidding,

RIGHT AFTER.

When I show up to work everyone was very nonchalant 

You had twin Middle Easter babies? Cool.

I think nothing of it.

I take them back to the La-Z-Boy in the wax room and begin to nurse them.

Except no milk comes out.

So, I take them off my boobs,

set them in their carseats

and leave them.

Cause if I didn't have milk for them, then I had better just leave them to die.

(like I said, W. T. F)

So.

I was convinced that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed.

THEN

my sister, Haley, and myself were trying to figure out our bra size on the internet.

More specifically

Motherhood Maternity. 

HA!

Haley came back as like a triple Z (that might be a little exaggerated)

and me?

I came back as a AA.

(again, WTF)

I lost it. I was bawling. How am I supposed to nurse if my boobs aren't even big enough to fill out a bra!?

(by the way, I'm a D regularly, so I was like seriously pissed and upset)

(wah-wah-wah)

Ok. Back story complete.

Let's jump ahead to when Cricket was born.

I was adamant on the whole breast feeding thing.

I WAS GOING TO DO THIS.

The lactation nurse came in and showed me the ropes.

I can do this!

When I got home (ahem, when I got to my parent's house where we stayed for 2 weeks because I was a mental case) I knew I had this. 

Until one night.

It got really hard.

She just would not latch!

(I'm not much of a fighter, I found out, when I am depressed)

So Tim and I went and got bottles.

I was done.

My mom said, "Nope! You need to give it at least 7 weeks before you give up or you'll regret it!"

So I listened and obeyed.

Because mother's know best.

I was valiant! I got the hang of it and learned a lot of patience for that little nugget sucking ever so diligently on my nipple.

Until, all of a sudden she just wouldn't latch again!

I was so frustrated.

Come to find out, she had a tongue tie.

We got said tongue tie clipped 

(perhaps I'll share that traumatic experience in another post)

and her latch was great again.

Amazing actually.

But she just wasn't gaining weight fast enough.

I felt defeated.

I did everything in my power to increase my milk supply.

and I mean EVERYTHING.

You name it

I tried it.

It seemed to get better for a time.

She started gaining again.

Slow

but gaining.

She then started having days where she would be awake from 2:00 till 8:00 or 9:00 at night screaming.

I would feed her on demand.

I was sure she had colic.

She had all the signs and symptoms.

How was I supposed to handle a colicky baby?

I cannot do this!

Well, turns out, it wasn't colic.

She was just STARVING.

I started supplementing with formula 

and guys,

she's happy.

I pump and I supplement.

and I don't feel like a failure.

In fact, I feel like a much better mom.

She is packing on the LB's and I know that I'm taking care of her and giving her what she needs to grow healthy and strong.

I know that I gave breast feeding my best.

And I did it for me and Cricket, not for what everyone would think of me if I chose not to breastfeed.

I think all the dreams and doubt I had about breastfeeding were a window to allow me to see that I possibly wouldn't be able to do so.

and that I didn't need to feel like a total failure because of it.

I commend all mother's who can do it and so wish that I still could!

You are AMAZING!

and all the mother's that have chosen to use formula

 YOU are amazing!

We're all doing our best and our best is all we can offer.

I cannot tell you what a relief it has been to see Cricket getting chubby and plump.

I have chosen to pump (what I can) and supplement the rest and I feel really good about it.

 I feed my baby and I have not chosen to leave her to die.

So, I guess you could say I feel really good about that.

Until next time!

LATER.

We're all just a little crazy, mkay!

It's currently 12:27, on Wednesday, July 29th.

I just got out of the shower and managed to wash my hair- now let's see how long it takes before I put it up in a nasty top knot.

I'm sitting at the computer in my underwear. But that's not abnormal seeing as how I never have clothes on unless I have to go somewhere.

I haven't put any makeup AKA mascara (cause that's all I can manage) in, oh, 5 days? Who knows.

I've officially been a mom for 5 weeks and 3 days.

So

let's have a little back story, shall we?

We shall.

Tim and I were friends for, oh 4 years before we started dating.

I had a major crush on him on-and-off during those 4 years.

He was a MAJOR flirt and I hated it

(but secretly loved it)

I had finally, had enough.

I gave him the ultimatum.

Ask me out or knock it off!

The next day he invited me over and said he'd been thinking a lot about it and wanted to take me out.

I was TRIUMPHANT!

What I had always wanted!

We dated.

THE. BEST. DATES.

Seriously, this kid know's how to take a girl out!

It was magic,

and

then

I broke up with him.

I was scared and wanted to see what else was out there.

I dated a few guys, learned my lesson.

Tim waited. He said he would.

After my failed attempts to find someone better than Tim, 

I failed

Miserably.

Because, honestly, there is no one in the world better than him.

ANYWHERE.

Soon after we got back together, we went on a trip to Ireland with my brother and friend.

Whilst there

Gazing out into the deep, dark ocean waters

upon the Cliffs of Moher

He knelt down on one knee and proposed to me and asked for my hand in marriage.

COME

ON.

Dreamy, right!?

Not to brag (but really to brag) he's the BEST.

It was what every girl wishes for.

So, then we bought a house.

We renovated said house.

(ahem, he renovated the house, I sat on the couch and ate Twinkies)

We got married 

It was bliss.

Well,

besides the psychotic episodes from my birth control.

We had been married almost a year when I had a very bad day

I went to the temple to remove myself from the world for a few hours.

Whilst there, I was basically yelled at 

"you need to prepare to have a baby."

Um, no, God. That is definitely not in the plans right now!

We had plans to travel and enjoy our time just us two.

I hadn't told Tim, or anyone, about the prompting to prepare to bring a baby into the world for a few weeks, hoping that the feeling would diminish and I could go about my life as I had planned to.

Every day.

Every flipping day 

on my way to work

at the same turn

I got yelled at again.

"You need to prepare to have a baby"

NO.

NOPE.

LA LA LA

Not listening!

Finally I mustered up the guts to tell Tim.

That was the hard part.

Not because I thought he would be disappointed or upset.

But because saying it out loud made it real.

I told him I wanted to talk to him about something

Something important.

"You want to have a baby?" he said.

Um, ok, mind reader!

I told him I didn't really WANT to, but couldn't ignore the prompting any longer and 

if that's what God wanted us to do, we better listen and obey.

We listened, and we obeyed and by gosh, we got pregnant on the first unofficial attempt.

We weren't "trying" we were just putting it in God's hands.

and BAM

Baby.

I had a pretty flawless pregnancy. 

Like whoa.

No severe morning sickness

only gained 17 lbs 

(trust me, I don't know how cause I ate pie, ice cream, cake, you mention it, on the daily)

Never experienced or dealt with most symptoms of pregnancy besides being tired.

But that wasn't new, I've always enjoyed my sleep.

So, my 9 months were up.

I got induced at 39 weeks for past medical history reasons

I labored for about 9 hours total 

8:34 PM, June 21, 2015.

Surrounded by Tim and the most important women in my life

we welcomed the most beautiful little girl into the world.

Cricket Wray Sondrup

6.1oz and 20in long

Complete with red hair and a perfect dimple on her right cheek

When I pushed her out, they put her right on me and I held her while she gazed up at me.

As I looked back at her, I cried. Sobbed. Did I really just push you out of me!?

You are perfect.

But, why don't I feel like your mine? Why don't I love you?

WHY DO I NOT LOVE YOU?

All anyone ever told me was you'll never know a love like when you see your child for the first time.

I thought, maybe I was just exhausted. It had been a very long day.

I just needed time with just her and myself. 

To bond.

It just wasn't happening.

We took her home

I cared for her and gave her my constant love and attention.

But I knew something was wrong.

I went upstairs and barely made it onto my bed before breaking down in the ugliest sob.

Snot was flowing out, I could barely breath.

Tim came upstairs and held me as tight as he could.

I felt completely defeated.

What had I done?!

I can't be a mom.

I can't care for her if I don't love her.

Why do I feel this way?

It was that night that Tim and I packed our overnight bags and stayed with my parents

But rather than 1 night, we stayed for 2 weeks.

I couldn't bear the thought of going home with this little child.

I was able to care for her and give her what she needed but I just wasn't feeling that love still.

I went to my PP visit with my OB and she asked me how I was feeling.

I broke down sobbing again.

She had me take a test and I failed.

The only questions that I looked at and thought, oh heck no! were if I had thoughts of hurting myself or my baby.

The rest, those were a different story.

A concerning score is a 10 and I scored a 20.

She told me I had severe PPD, that I couldn't classify as Baby Blues.

I got put on Zoloft and within 3 days I noticed a significant difference.

I looked at Cricket and felt that love that I had craved for so long.

I could smile at her and have it be sincere.

She was such a content baby. Just a GEM.

I finally felt ok to go home.

I adjusted just fine.

We've been great!

I've had my occasional episodes where I just cry because I feel helpless...

My blog will be my outlet for those feelings.

Whether good or bad.

I'm not looking to become a famous "read my story!" blogger.

I'm just here to help myself by writing my experiences down.

If you read this whole freaking novel, I hope you enjoyed, or related, or if you think I'm a terrible mother for the thoughts I had, keep it to yourself please.

Like I said, this is a personal outlet for myself. If someone can relate or is experiencing similarities, I hope we can be respectful and encouraging to one another.

Thank you.

All my love, Kelsie.

HELP

So

I typically don't find myself blogging unless I have an embarrassing or great story to tell.

And since being married, I don't have near as many opportunities to embarrass myself

although Tim might say otherwise.

I'm sitting here on our couch

Tim and my dad are installing baseboards, stair nose, and toe kicks around our house.

I'm sitting here on our couch

Wait, did I already say that?

This is my life.

SERIOUSLY.

I know Tim dreams that I'd pick up a hobby

Yeah, right.

I read.

But

then I get bored and have to do something else.

That's my problem

I 

can't

sit 

still

I can't stay with the same thing and finish it.

No, no.

I get so annoyed with what I'm doing 

but

then I can't find anything else to do

so

I go bug Tim.

Pretty sure it's the only thing that I get great pleasure out of doing..

Poor guy.

He endures it so well

for the most part anyway.

And

 you know how HuluPlus and Netflix are supposed to be these great things that fill up time?

NO

They suck! 

Like, how can you just sit and watch?

I go crazy!

Anyway

what it comes down to

I NEED A HOBBY.

Please

anyone

HELP

Give me some ideas

Tell me your favorite indoor activities

What you fill your time with

What you wish you could fill your time with

That's all.

Byeeeeeeee

Many thanks in advance.

Dave

Today as I was walking out of the Apple Store at Station Park

I ran into a man

quite literally.

We excused one another

and then we found ourselves walking together.

I looked over at him, noticing that we were keeping at each others pace,

and I saw that he had an oxygen cannula placed in his nose and wrapped around his ears.

The tubes made their way to a backpack on his back.

"I hate winter" he said.

I responded by telling him that we both seemed unprepared for the weather we were walking through

(rain)

because neither of us had a coat or umbrella.

But that I was at least thankful that it was mild weather and that it was raining rather than snowing.

He stopped and looked at me.

He told me that he was impressed that I could be so optimistic when we were both cold and wet.

" I really love that in a person, you know?" he said, "Someone that can look past all the cruddy things to see something good." 

We started walking again.

I told him I'm not always the best at being positive in a negative situation, but that sometimes, most times, it's always the better option. 

Because no one likes to be in depressing position.

He told me, "whenever anyone asks me how I'm doing, do you know what I say"

"What do you say?' I asked.

" I tell them that I'm either exceptionally well, or outstanding."

As we both reached our cars, which happened to be parked by one another, I asked him is name.

"Dave" he said.

"Dave, I'm Kelsie, I'm so happy I ran into you today."

As we shook hands and went on our way,

I realized

this man, whatever it may be, is facing some kind of trial with his health.

He chooses to look on the bright side and be positive rather than negative.

That was such a wonderful thing for me to witness.

I'm so grateful that I had the opportunity to bump into Dave.

I challenge anyone that reads this blog, to go out of your way to "bump" into someone you don't know

and talk to them.

I'm making myself a goal to do the same.

A lot can be taught from strangers.

lahahahahaugh.

I was taught at a young age that laughter is the best medicine.

TRUE.

I

laugh

at

EVERYTHING.

And that may be an understatement.

Side note- as I type the word, 'laugh', I realize what an odd word it is. Seriously.

Some may consider it a problem, maybe.

I consider it a gift.

Another side note- I'm listening to the radio at work right now

you know

those stupid commercials that put their own lyrics to popular songs?

hate it.

ANYWAY

it seems like every night I find myself in some type of laughing fit over the DUMBEST stuff ever.

i.e. Tim and I were unloading our dishwasher

I had the bottom end

and I'm shorter

therefore should have had the top end I guess

cause I had to put my end down first.

My arm width couldn't handle the task.

So I collapsed to the ground unable to hold the box.

I then began to imagine what I had looked like when it happened.

The image replayed over and over in my head and I lost it.

I laughed at the very moment I fell.

I laughed as I walked to the car.

I laughed when I got into the car.

I laughed in the car.

I laughed the whole way home.

Tim sat silent.

I think he only expects these laughing spells now.

Typing this I started laughing again.

I got it from my Grandpa and my dad.

My grandpa was known for his contagious laugh

He would sit there in his La-Z Boy just chucklin.

his whole body would move to his laugh.

My dad, the same.

Me, the same.

Being that I laugh so much, I somehow manage to laugh and speak at the same time.

I guess this isn't a normal thing.

I get made fun of for this constantly.

 But I don't understand how you can stop laughing to make a statement.

How do you do it?

Even when I'm down,

the smallest thing can bring me right back.

So, let this be a lesson to you all.

Laugh more.

 Because it's probably the best thing ever created.

End of post

Sorry, no humiliating life stories to share this time. ;)

Mauwage. (and a little note for TMY)

Hey,

so, I got married Thursday.

I married a really great guy.

Tim.

Now

majority of you who read this know our story

or experienced (somewhat) along with us. ;)

But

some don't

so

I'm going to tell it to you

cause it's good.

Beginning:

There I was, 

sitting in the gym

attending my first "singles ward activity"

it was a Halloween party.

I was carving a pumpkin with my bestie, Rae.

when all of a sudden

in walks this guy.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

I guess you could say it was love at first sight for me.

He came strolling in

casually

talking to everyone around.

I wanted him to talk to me.

We were getting ready to leave

so, I invited him

and a few others

over to Rachel's house to hang out.

When he arrived, I made sure he would sit by me.

I casually pulled out my MacBook Pro (because I thought I was cool)

he inquired about it

we found out that we both loved Mac's.

HELLO.

this was perfect.

We became instant friends.

I had a HUGE crush on this kid.

He teased me constantly.

One time he text me and told me he was at my work place

which he wasn't.

I'm still upset that he tricked me.

My heart about burst when he told me he was there

tsk. tsk.

He was the BIGGEST flirt ever. 

ask any of the girls we hung out with.

I couldn't handle it.

I remember watching a movie with all of our friends.

He and I were sitting by each other.

I asked if I could lay my head on his shoulder

Pretty sure that weirded him out (or did it? :P)

too close

just friends.

I wanted more.

he liked being a bachelor.

lame.

he should've liked ME.

Long story short 

(cause there are just WAY too many stories and highlights to fit into one blog post)

I had had enough.

I was going to date this guy.

I told him to ask me out or to stop flirting with me.

The next day he called me up and asked me out on a date.

We went to Settebello in SLC.

On the way there, the GPS decided to take us to the airport

and we got lost there.

we got caught in a restricted type area

I was sure we were going to get arrested for trespassing or something.

We got out

after many tears from laughter

we had a perfect first date

and second

and a third

and a forth...

and...

I broke up with him.

-WHAT THE HECK, KELSIE.

You've finally got the guy of your dreams

he wants YOU-

I left.

I was scared.

I dated a few other guys but could never get Tim out of my head.

We started hanging out just as friends 

it was so nice to be around him again.

He asked me if he could take me on a date.

I was resistant, but I said yes.

It happened all over again, but this time we ended up getting engaged.

in Ireland no less.

Yeah, he's a keeper. ;)

I can't begin to tell you how much this kid means to me.

He has put up with SO much.

I've put him through the ringer and he's still stuck by my side through it all.

That's commitment and love right there.

the best kind.

He's the best 

kindest

thoughtful

loving

funny

smart aleck (in the best way)

tender-hearted

sweet

hard working

the list goes on

guy.

The guy I had a major crush on for nearly 3 years is now my husband.

HUSBAND!

I still can't wrap my head around it.

Thanks for loving me through my temper tantrums, 

stubbornness, 

sarcasm, 

whining,

 bluntness, 

snorting,

 the impossibility of me telling a story in less than 15 minutes, even if it's about a trip to buy bread,

burping,

 messy car/room, 

and my mushy gooshy love for you, Tim.

Here's to Eternity, cause you're stuck with me! ;)

I love you.

BIRTH CONTROL... Supposedly.

 ruining my life.

I've been on it for 2 weeks and I've turned into a female Lucifer.

How, you ask?

Oh, I will tell you

don't fret.

1. Supposedly I walk around looking like I want to kill everyone.

2. Supposedly I'm not "me".

3. Supposedly I'm "lashing out irrationally" (respect the Santa Clause quote).

4. I'm getting horribly bothered by the most minute things.

5. I look like a chubby bunny which puts me in an even worse mood (there goes fitting in my wedding dress).

Then.

I always feel like I'm doing everything wrong.

I'm never good enough.

I want to go straight home from work and sleep.

I don't want to talk to anyone. EVER.

I haven't text my fiancee back in over 24 hours. (oops) (but not oops, cause Lucifer doesn't care).

Thing is.

I had a kidney transplant as most might know.

Some might say, AWESOME!

Which, in reality, it really is.

But it comes with a lifetime of continued... stuff.

Such as.

I'm ordered to be on birth control by my doc's.

I don't have a choice.

Cause

unfortunately

my medications that keep my kidney alive and well

will cause my children to have major birth defects.

Therefore

only planned pregnancies for me.

AND.

When I decide to get pregnant

They'll have to change my meds.

and

I'll be put back on steroids (the legal kind)

So, while I'm getting fat, I'll be getting fatter.

It's great.

I'm done. If you hear of any criminal activity in the Layton area, it's probably me.

Don't mind.

That's that.

-Klawssy

CONSUMER

Hi, guys.

I'm here to talk about something serious.

I'm not proud of this.

It's shameful.

It's sad.

It's horrible.

I've been labeled.

A consumer of what you ask?

Steroids? 

Alcohol? 

.

.

.

Puppies?

Oh, heavens no.

Food. 

Food is the culprit.

Now, now.

I know, I know.

Everyone eats.

You have to in order to survive.

But, you guys.

I inhale food.

I don't graze...

Take my time..

Enjoy.

I just shove it in.

Today I went to the grocery store to buy some Spaghetti-O's (I'm a 4-year-old, don't worry 'bout it) and decided I would try and take back first place (Haley & Lori) for the Greatest Aunt Award by buying some Swiss Rolls for the kids. Cause who doesn't love freakin' Swiss Rolls, right? 

NO ONE.

I decided I'd open the box.

You know

just to see them.

Make sure they looked okay to eat.

Then, my hand just fell into the box. 

I didn't realize what my hand was doing before it was too late and my mouth was covered in chocolate and lardy cream.

As I drove home with shame in my heart

I thought:

I didn't buy these for the kids, I subconsciously bought them for myself.

NO.

That's not okay.

NOT OKAY.

But, do you think that stopped me? 

Of course not.

When I got home, I tried to pawn off the rest of them to the kids,

but we all know I didn't.

I made them split a package and I hid the rest so no one would find them.

Not cause I think they would think less of me. 

No.

Because I didn't want anyone else to find them and eat them.

Then I proceeded to pull one more package out cause it felt like a good idea at the time.

I ate another duo.

WTH

If that doesn't make me feel morbidly obese, I don't know what would.

I feel so ashamed.

Now, back to the beginning of this post where I mentioned that I've been labeled a consumer.

Several times in the past month, I've been called this by a couple different people.

I'm always the first one to finish the meal, and when I say first, I mean, by the time everyone else is finishing putting food on their plate, mine is gone, into a black hole of despair, which I like to call my stomach.

With my wedding coming up, and a dress that barely fit to begin with riding on my mind, I'm getting into gear.

Now, I've said this a billion times before to many people around me, but now I'm going to blog about it.

Having it down in words for everyone to see is much more real than spoken words.

Send positive vibes this way, please! Gotta get a move on.

Less than 2 months!

WAAAAAH.

1/6 Most Embarrassing Thing This Week

I was tagged by my favorite fellow ginger, Kaylie. And since I don't know how to tell anything in a nutshell, I'll be splitting up my 6 things into 6 different posts.

Let's get at this, shall we?

Q. What is the funniest/most embarrassing thing that happened this week?

Oh,

where do I start?

My life is a joke.

OK, so everybody poops, right?

Right.

(except for those few girls that don't, cause that would be so gross if they did)

Well.

Sometimes your body just doesn't want to poop. Like, for a couple of days, or in my case, a week.

And we all know what that means.

CONSTIPATION.

Now, if you don't like stories about poop, or the word poop, then don't continue on any further. 

Just stop

I won't be offended.

But

if you want a good poop story

then keep on.

I hadn't even realized that I hadn't gone poop until one day, it just, you know, hit.

It was painful.

I had to think back to when the last time I went was, and came to the conclusion that it had been far too long

a week.

A FREAKIN' WEEK

not ok.

As I contemplated whether I should just bear it and keep myself from experiencing the pain of a weeks worth of food, or to evacuate and and suffer the pain and damage..

Either way

it was going to be bad.

And boy was I right.

I decided to just go for it.

It was not pleasant...

After probably a solid 20 minutes, I text my mom telling her I needed to bring in the big guns.

An enema

DUN

DUN
DUN

The converstion went as follows:

K- "Mother."

M- "Daughter."

K- "Will you please go the the store and get me a laxative thingy? The sooner the better please."

M- "lol who's hacking your phone?"

K- "I'm dead serious, I swear on my kidney."

The moment I swore in my kidney, she knew this was no joke. 

This was serious.

so

very

serious.

She told me she and my dad were running to J&J and that they'd be back soon.

I waited.

and then waited some more.

I asked where she was.

M-"Oh, we just need to run to Home Depot real quick, be home soon."

No.

That's just not OK, mother.

M- "Call Tim, he'll go get you one."

UMMM NO THANK YOU , MOM.

How embarassing.

Hey, honey. Um, I've been sitting here on the toilet for over an hour now and really need an enema because I have an eggplant sized waste in me that won't come out.

(although I had no doubts that he would have done it for me willingly. But I wasn't ready for him to have to experience this till AFTER we're married.)

No.

No.

So, there I sat.

Waiting.

In withering pain.

FINALLY

what felt like 5 hours

My mom is home.

I had to give myself an enema.

ugh

I know

so horribly awfuly grossly icky

But you know, it just had to happen.

As I waited for it to work

It didn't.

I ran out to my mom and told her she needed to take me to the Emergency Room.

I was dying.

I was going to have more damage than necessary if I took care of this on my own.

She told me I was crazy and told me to go drink a cup of Miralax.

So I did.

 and waited some more.

Nothing.

So she brought me 3 laxatives

THREE

Still

nothing.

Then we decided to try one of those glycerin rockets.

Nope.

Nothing.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

I was sure I was going to die that night.

My life as I knew it was going to end because I couldn't poop.

What a sad, miserable, humiliating way to pass on.

I fell asleep hoping I'd wake up in the morning and it'd all be a dream.

I did wake up in the morning. 

at 5:00 am

and.

erupted.

for about 5 days

Now I will be on a diet of prunes and juice for the rest of my life.

Thanks, bowels.

The End.

Next post will be one of the following. If you have any requests of what you'd like to hear/read about more, lemme know. K?

Please pick six things out of these options:

1. what is the funniest/most embarrassing thing that happened this week?  2. spill. what's your guilty pleasure?  3. hurry, take a quick piccy of your outfit today! name your favorite thing about what you're wearing or give us a little note about your personal style and what it means to you.  4. any beauty secrets you're currently loving?  5. who has been the most inspiring person for you? why?  6. favorite song off the top of your head. don't think about it. just go (and provide a link if you can)!  7. what's a personal trial that you've had to overcome? 

8. why do you blog? and what do you find to be the most rewarding thing that has come from it? 

KLAWSSY