I was tagged by my favorite fellow ginger, Kaylie. And since I don't know how to tell anything in a nutshell, I'll be splitting up my 6 things into 6 different posts.
Let's get at this, shall we?
Q. What is the funniest/most embarrassing thing that happened this week?
Oh,
where do I start?
My life is a joke.
OK, so everybody poops, right?
Right.
(except for those few girls that don't, cause that would be so gross if they did)
Well.
Sometimes your body just doesn't want to poop. Like, for a couple of days, or in my case, a week.
And we all know what that means.
CONSTIPATION.
Now, if you don't like stories about poop, or the word poop, then don't continue on any further.
Just stop
I won't be offended.
But
if you want a good poop story
then keep on.
I hadn't even realized that I hadn't gone poop until one day, it just, you know, hit.
It was painful.
I had to think back to when the last time I went was, and came to the conclusion that it had been far too long
a week.
A FREAKIN' WEEK
not ok.
As I contemplated whether I should just bear it and keep myself from experiencing the pain of a weeks worth of food, or to evacuate and and suffer the pain and damage..
Either way
it was going to be bad.
And boy was I right.
I decided to just go for it.
It was not pleasant...
After probably a solid 20 minutes, I text my mom telling her I needed to bring in the big guns.
An enema
DUN
DUNDUN
The converstion went as follows:
K- "Mother."
M- "Daughter."
K- "Will you please go the the store and get me a laxative thingy? The sooner the better please."
M- "lol who's hacking your phone?"
K- "I'm dead serious, I swear on my kidney."
The moment I swore in my kidney, she knew this was no joke.
This was serious.
so
very
serious.
She told me she and my dad were running to J&J and that they'd be back soon.
I waited.
and then waited some more.
I asked where she was.
M-"Oh, we just need to run to Home Depot real quick, be home soon."
No.
That's just not OK, mother.
M- "Call Tim, he'll go get you one."
UMMM NO THANK YOU , MOM.
How embarassing.
Hey, honey. Um, I've been sitting here on the toilet for over an hour now and really need an enema because I have an eggplant sized waste in me that won't come out.
(although I had no doubts that he would have done it for me willingly. But I wasn't ready for him to have to experience this till AFTER we're married.)
No.
No.
So, there I sat.
Waiting.
In withering pain.
FINALLY
what felt like 5 hours
My mom is home.
I had to give myself an enema.
ugh
I know
so horribly awfuly grossly icky
But you know, it just had to happen.
As I waited for it to work
It didn't.
I ran out to my mom and told her she needed to take me to the Emergency Room.
I was dying.
I was going to have more damage than necessary if I took care of this on my own.
She told me I was crazy and told me to go drink a cup of Miralax.
So I did.
and waited some more.
Nothing.
So she brought me 3 laxatives
THREE
Still
nothing.
Then we decided to try one of those glycerin rockets.
Nope.
Nothing.
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
I was sure I was going to die that night.
My life as I knew it was going to end because I couldn't poop.
What a sad, miserable, humiliating way to pass on.
I fell asleep hoping I'd wake up in the morning and it'd all be a dream.
I did wake up in the morning.
at 5:00 am
and.
erupted.
for about 5 days
Now I will be on a diet of prunes and juice for the rest of my life.
Thanks, bowels.
The End.
Next post will be one of the following. If you have any requests of what you'd like to hear/read about more, lemme know. K?
Please pick six things out of these options:
1 comment:
Klaws. this made my year. I miss you. and you are my hero!
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