Wednesday, July 29, 2015

We're all just a little crazy, mkay!


It's currently 12:27, on Wednesday, July 29th.

I just got out of the shower and managed to wash my hair- now let's see how long it takes before I put it up in a nasty top knot.

I'm sitting at the computer in my underwear. But that's not abnormal seeing as how I never have clothes on unless I have to go somewhere.

I haven't put any makeup AKA mascara (cause that's all I can manage) in, oh, 5 days? Who knows.

I've officially been a mom for 5 weeks and 3 days.

So

let's have a little back story, shall we?

We shall.

Tim and I were friends for, oh 4 years before we started dating.

I had a major crush on him on-and-off during those 4 years.

He was a MAJOR flirt and I hated it

(but secretly loved it)

I had finally, had enough.

I gave him the ultimatum.

Ask me out or knock it off!

The next day he invited me over and said he'd been thinking a lot about it and wanted to take me out.

I was TRIUMPHANT!

What I had always wanted!

We dated.

THE. BEST. DATES.

Seriously, this kid know's how to take a girl out!

It was magic,

and

then

I broke up with him.

I was scared and wanted to see what else was out there.

I dated a few guys, learned my lesson.

Tim waited. He said he would.

After my failed attempts to find someone better than Tim, 

I failed

Miserably.

Because, honestly, there is no one in the world better than him.

ANYWHERE.

Soon after we got back together, we went on a trip to Ireland with my brother and friend.

Whilst there

Gazing out into the deep, dark ocean waters

upon the Cliffs of Moher

He knelt down on one knee and proposed to me and asked for my hand in marriage.

COME
ON.

Dreamy, right!?

Not to brag (but really to brag) he's the BEST.

It was what every girl wishes for.




So, then we bought a house.

We renovated said house.

(ahem, he renovated the house, I sat on the couch and ate Twinkies)

We got married 


It was bliss.

Well,

besides the psychotic episodes from my birth control.

We had been married almost a year when I had a very bad day

I went to the temple to remove myself from the world for a few hours.

Whilst there, I was basically yelled at 

"you need to prepare to have a baby."

Um, no, God. That is definitely not in the plans right now!

We had plans to travel and enjoy our time just us two.

I hadn't told Tim, or anyone, about the prompting to prepare to bring a baby into the world for a few weeks, hoping that the feeling would diminish and I could go about my life as I had planned to.

Every day.

Every flipping day 

on my way to work

at the same turn

I got yelled at again.

"You need to prepare to have a baby"

NO.

NOPE.

LA LA LA

Not listening!

Finally I mustered up the guts to tell Tim.

That was the hard part.

Not because I thought he would be disappointed or upset.

But because saying it out loud made it real.

I told him I wanted to talk to him about something

Something important.

"You want to have a baby?" he said.

Um, ok, mind reader!

I told him I didn't really WANT to, but couldn't ignore the prompting any longer and 
if that's what God wanted us to do, we better listen and obey.

We listened, and we obeyed and by gosh, we got pregnant on the first unofficial attempt.

We weren't "trying" we were just putting it in God's hands.

and BAM

Baby.

I had a pretty flawless pregnancy. 

Like whoa.

No severe morning sickness

only gained 17 lbs 
(trust me, I don't know how cause I ate pie, ice cream, cake, you mention it, on the daily)

Never experienced or dealt with most symptoms of pregnancy besides being tired.

But that wasn't new, I've always enjoyed my sleep.

So, my 9 months were up.

I got induced at 39 weeks for past medical history reasons

I labored for about 9 hours total 

8:34 PM, June 21, 2015.

Surrounded by Tim and the most important women in my life

we welcomed the most beautiful little girl into the world.

Cricket Wray Sondrup

6.1oz and 20in long

Complete with red hair and a perfect dimple on her right cheek


When I pushed her out, they put her right on me and I held her while she gazed up at me.

As I looked back at her, I cried. Sobbed. Did I really just push you out of me!?

You are perfect.

But, why don't I feel like your mine? Why don't I love you?

WHY DO I NOT LOVE YOU?

All anyone ever told me was you'll never know a love like when you see your child for the first time.

I thought, maybe I was just exhausted. It had been a very long day.

I just needed time with just her and myself. 

To bond.

It just wasn't happening.

We took her home

I cared for her and gave her my constant love and attention.

But I knew something was wrong.

I went upstairs and barely made it onto my bed before breaking down in the ugliest sob.

Snot was flowing out, I could barely breath.

Tim came upstairs and held me as tight as he could.

I felt completely defeated.

What had I done?!

I can't be a mom.

I can't care for her if I don't love her.

Why do I feel this way?

It was that night that Tim and I packed our overnight bags and stayed with my parents

But rather than 1 night, we stayed for 2 weeks.

I couldn't bear the thought of going home with this little child.

I was able to care for her and give her what she needed but I just wasn't feeling that love still.

I went to my PP visit with my OB and she asked me how I was feeling.

I broke down sobbing again.

She had me take a test and I failed.

The only questions that I looked at and thought, oh heck no! were if I had thoughts of hurting myself or my baby.

The rest, those were a different story.

A concerning score is a 10 and I scored a 20.

She told me I had severe PPD, that I couldn't classify as Baby Blues.

I got put on Zoloft and within 3 days I noticed a significant difference.

I looked at Cricket and felt that love that I had craved for so long.

I could smile at her and have it be sincere.

She was such a content baby. Just a GEM.

I finally felt ok to go home.

I adjusted just fine.

We've been great!

I've had my occasional episodes where I just cry because I feel helpless...

My blog will be my outlet for those feelings.

Whether good or bad.

I'm not looking to become a famous "read my story!" blogger.

I'm just here to help myself by writing my experiences down.

If you read this whole freaking novel, I hope you enjoyed, or related, or if you think I'm a terrible mother for the thoughts I had, keep it to yourself please.

Like I said, this is a personal outlet for myself. If someone can relate or is experiencing similarities, I hope we can be respectful and encouraging to one another.

Thank you.

All my love, Kelsie.







4 comments:

Kathryn Young said...

Uhh I totally remember feeling guilty for the same thing. I didn't feel an overwhelming rush of love. I was shocked and thought, "That alien just came out of me?!?" Glad to hear I'm not the only one that took some adjusting. You're so brave to be open about your feelings/PPD and I bet it will help a lot of people realize they need help!

Suzan Bruce said...

Love that your sharing your story... You left out so much but this is a great place to write about your life. Journaling is alway healing and some day you'll be able so share with your children what it was like for you raising a family. And when your looking down from heaven and your many greats grand children read this, they too can come to love and appreciate who you are...

Jamie said...

Absolutely beautifully written! I wish every new mom could read this. I had the exact same emotions, feeling like I was missing something because although I was so excited and cared for River- there wasn't an instant bond I had thought would automatically happen. It took weeks. It was so odd, so I thought, because I had wanted to be a mom forever. I thought as soon as he was born the heavens would open up, angels would sing and I would run off happily into the sunset. I remember leaving the hospital and waiting for someone to stop us because they had made a mistake and I couldn't take him home. I'm so glad you have an awesome husband and family that you can talk to and are there to support you. So glad you found some good meds that help. Mine was a little green pill :) currently on year 25 of that pill. Cricket is so darling! Your second kid will be so different. You know what to expect the next time around. I love seeing your updates and pics!

Jennifer Ahlstrom said...

I don't know you and you don't know me. I saw a picture on instagram, liked by one of my friends, of your beautiful red haired baby (I'm married to a ginger) and I clicked on your link to your blog, because I had locked myself in the bathroom to escape my toddler and baby for just a minute. This post speaks to me! Not only am I obsessed with the format and your writing on the blog (not in a creepy way of course), but you are just so real. I have been where you were. I have two beautiful, although not red haired, children and my PPD sucked the life out of me! My youngest is almost 9 months and there are days where it's still hard. I have given up Facebook and other outlets in order to relieve some of the pressure I had put on myself, but it's still rough. It's hard because my amazing husband doesn't understand this feeling and I can't explain it to him. Anyway, I am a stranger to you, but I think that you're pretty awesome! Thanks for being real!