We're all just a little crazy, mkay!

It's currently 12:27, on Wednesday, July 29th.

I just got out of the shower and managed to wash my hair- now let's see how long it takes before I put it up in a nasty top knot.

I'm sitting at the computer in my underwear. But that's not abnormal seeing as how I never have clothes on unless I have to go somewhere.

I haven't put any makeup AKA mascara (cause that's all I can manage) in, oh, 5 days? Who knows.

I've officially been a mom for 5 weeks and 3 days.

So

let's have a little back story, shall we?

We shall.

Tim and I were friends for, oh 4 years before we started dating.

I had a major crush on him on-and-off during those 4 years.

He was a MAJOR flirt and I hated it

(but secretly loved it)

I had finally, had enough.

I gave him the ultimatum.

Ask me out or knock it off!

The next day he invited me over and said he'd been thinking a lot about it and wanted to take me out.

I was TRIUMPHANT!

What I had always wanted!

We dated.

THE. BEST. DATES.

Seriously, this kid know's how to take a girl out!

It was magic,

and

then

I broke up with him.

I was scared and wanted to see what else was out there.

I dated a few guys, learned my lesson.

Tim waited. He said he would.

After my failed attempts to find someone better than Tim, 

I failed

Miserably.

Because, honestly, there is no one in the world better than him.

ANYWHERE.

Soon after we got back together, we went on a trip to Ireland with my brother and friend.

Whilst there

Gazing out into the deep, dark ocean waters

upon the Cliffs of Moher

He knelt down on one knee and proposed to me and asked for my hand in marriage.

COME

ON.

Dreamy, right!?

Not to brag (but really to brag) he's the BEST.

It was what every girl wishes for.

So, then we bought a house.

We renovated said house.

(ahem, he renovated the house, I sat on the couch and ate Twinkies)

We got married 

It was bliss.

Well,

besides the psychotic episodes from my birth control.

We had been married almost a year when I had a very bad day

I went to the temple to remove myself from the world for a few hours.

Whilst there, I was basically yelled at 

"you need to prepare to have a baby."

Um, no, God. That is definitely not in the plans right now!

We had plans to travel and enjoy our time just us two.

I hadn't told Tim, or anyone, about the prompting to prepare to bring a baby into the world for a few weeks, hoping that the feeling would diminish and I could go about my life as I had planned to.

Every day.

Every flipping day 

on my way to work

at the same turn

I got yelled at again.

"You need to prepare to have a baby"

NO.

NOPE.

LA LA LA

Not listening!

Finally I mustered up the guts to tell Tim.

That was the hard part.

Not because I thought he would be disappointed or upset.

But because saying it out loud made it real.

I told him I wanted to talk to him about something

Something important.

"You want to have a baby?" he said.

Um, ok, mind reader!

I told him I didn't really WANT to, but couldn't ignore the prompting any longer and 

if that's what God wanted us to do, we better listen and obey.

We listened, and we obeyed and by gosh, we got pregnant on the first unofficial attempt.

We weren't "trying" we were just putting it in God's hands.

and BAM

Baby.

I had a pretty flawless pregnancy. 

Like whoa.

No severe morning sickness

only gained 17 lbs 

(trust me, I don't know how cause I ate pie, ice cream, cake, you mention it, on the daily)

Never experienced or dealt with most symptoms of pregnancy besides being tired.

But that wasn't new, I've always enjoyed my sleep.

So, my 9 months were up.

I got induced at 39 weeks for past medical history reasons

I labored for about 9 hours total 

8:34 PM, June 21, 2015.

Surrounded by Tim and the most important women in my life

we welcomed the most beautiful little girl into the world.

Cricket Wray Sondrup

6.1oz and 20in long

Complete with red hair and a perfect dimple on her right cheek

When I pushed her out, they put her right on me and I held her while she gazed up at me.

As I looked back at her, I cried. Sobbed. Did I really just push you out of me!?

You are perfect.

But, why don't I feel like your mine? Why don't I love you?

WHY DO I NOT LOVE YOU?

All anyone ever told me was you'll never know a love like when you see your child for the first time.

I thought, maybe I was just exhausted. It had been a very long day.

I just needed time with just her and myself. 

To bond.

It just wasn't happening.

We took her home

I cared for her and gave her my constant love and attention.

But I knew something was wrong.

I went upstairs and barely made it onto my bed before breaking down in the ugliest sob.

Snot was flowing out, I could barely breath.

Tim came upstairs and held me as tight as he could.

I felt completely defeated.

What had I done?!

I can't be a mom.

I can't care for her if I don't love her.

Why do I feel this way?

It was that night that Tim and I packed our overnight bags and stayed with my parents

But rather than 1 night, we stayed for 2 weeks.

I couldn't bear the thought of going home with this little child.

I was able to care for her and give her what she needed but I just wasn't feeling that love still.

I went to my PP visit with my OB and she asked me how I was feeling.

I broke down sobbing again.

She had me take a test and I failed.

The only questions that I looked at and thought, oh heck no! were if I had thoughts of hurting myself or my baby.

The rest, those were a different story.

A concerning score is a 10 and I scored a 20.

She told me I had severe PPD, that I couldn't classify as Baby Blues.

I got put on Zoloft and within 3 days I noticed a significant difference.

I looked at Cricket and felt that love that I had craved for so long.

I could smile at her and have it be sincere.

She was such a content baby. Just a GEM.

I finally felt ok to go home.

I adjusted just fine.

We've been great!

I've had my occasional episodes where I just cry because I feel helpless...

My blog will be my outlet for those feelings.

Whether good or bad.

I'm not looking to become a famous "read my story!" blogger.

I'm just here to help myself by writing my experiences down.

If you read this whole freaking novel, I hope you enjoyed, or related, or if you think I'm a terrible mother for the thoughts I had, keep it to yourself please.

Like I said, this is a personal outlet for myself. If someone can relate or is experiencing similarities, I hope we can be respectful and encouraging to one another.

Thank you.

All my love, Kelsie.