Here I am again.
Only this time, I have at least a shirt on.... but still in my underwear.
It's been 5 days since I've washed my hair
so let's not talk about the smell or look of it.
I have bags under my eyes.
I'm considering if I want to eat a hamburger bun with a slice of Kraft Single's American cheese placed ever so white trashily in the middle,
for the third day in a row,
Tim is in the shower.
Cricket is down for her morning nap.
I just walked in there
But I'm just going to pretend that I didn't see that.
If she ain't screaming, ya know?
So let's get down to business
(did everyone else just finish that sentence with "to defeat the Huns" like I did?)
All of us women got 'em.
and some men, too.
But ours are meant to feed babies,
Let's start at the beginning.
When I was pregnant I was absolutely terrified that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed.
that being, because of a few dreams I had had.
I'll share one with you, cause it's the best one.
*imagine a light hazy, watery transition into dreamland now*
It's time for me to give birth
I am quickly taken to the hospital
In a matter of minutes, I have had my babies.
I popped out twins.
But not just any kind of twins.
Middle Eastern twin boys.
Very olive skinned, dark, dark haired boys with uni-brows that looked nothing like Tim or myself.
As soon as those boys popped out
I went back to work.
Like, no kidding,
When I show up to work everyone was very nonchalant
You had twin Middle Easter babies? Cool.
I think nothing of it.
I take them back to the La-Z-Boy in the wax room and begin to nurse them.
Except no milk comes out.
So, I take them off my boobs,
set them in their carseats
and leave them.
Cause if I didn't have milk for them, then I had better just leave them to die.
(like I said, W. T. F)
I was convinced that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed.
my sister, Haley, and myself were trying to figure out our bra size on the internet.
Haley came back as like a triple Z (that might be a little exaggerated)
I came back as a AA.
I lost it. I was bawling. How am I supposed to nurse if my boobs aren't even big enough to fill out a bra!?
(by the way, I'm a D regularly, so I was like seriously pissed and upset)
Ok. Back story complete.
Let's jump ahead to when Cricket was born.
I was adamant on the whole breast feeding thing.
I WAS GOING TO DO THIS.
The lactation nurse came in and showed me the ropes.
I can do this!
When I got home (ahem, when I got to my parent's house where we stayed for 2 weeks because I was a mental case) I knew I had this.
Until one night.
It got really hard.
She just would not latch!
(I'm not much of a fighter, I found out, when I am depressed)
So Tim and I went and got bottles.
I was done.
My mom said, "Nope! You need to give it at least 7 weeks before you give up or you'll regret it!"
So I listened and obeyed.
Because mother's know best.
I was valiant! I got the hang of it and learned a lot of patience for that little nugget sucking ever so diligently on my nipple.
Until, all of a sudden she just wouldn't latch again!
I was so frustrated.
Come to find out, she had a tongue tie.
We got said tongue tie clipped
(perhaps I'll share that traumatic experience in another post)
and her latch was great again.
But she just wasn't gaining weight fast enough.
I felt defeated.
I did everything in my power to increase my milk supply.
and I mean EVERYTHING.
You name it
I tried it.
It seemed to get better for a time.
She started gaining again.
She then started having days where she would be awake from 2:00 till 8:00 or 9:00 at night screaming.
I would feed her on demand.
I was sure she had colic.
She had all the signs and symptoms.
How was I supposed to handle a colicky baby?
I cannot do this!
Well, turns out, it wasn't colic.
She was just STARVING.
I started supplementing with formula
I pump and I supplement.
and I don't feel like a failure.
In fact, I feel like a much better mom.
She is packing on the LB's and I know that I'm taking care of her and giving her what she needs to grow healthy and strong.
I know that I gave breast feeding my best.
And I did it for me and Cricket, not for what everyone would think of me if I chose not to breastfeed.
I think all the dreams and doubt I had about breastfeeding were a window to allow me to see that I possibly wouldn't be able to do so.
and that I didn't need to feel like a total failure because of it.
I commend all mother's who can do it and so wish that I still could!
You are AMAZING!
and all the mother's that have chosen to use formula
YOU are amazing!
We're all doing our best and our best is all we can offer.
I cannot tell you what a relief it has been to see Cricket getting chubby and plump.
I have chosen to pump (what I can) and supplement the rest and I feel really good about it.
I feed my baby and I have not chosen to leave her to die.
So, I guess you could say I feel really good about that.
Until next time!